Discovering that your spouse is cheating is probably the hardest thing to go through in a relationship. It is devastating and can cause you intense emotional pain. That is why many marriages do not survive infidelity. However, numerous marriages, on the other hand, can also be rebuilt, after an affair.
After uncovering the infidelity, you will feel a sense of loss and betrayal. The trust between you and your partner is broken. Most people cannot help but think about and try to imagine every detail of the affair. All this will create some sort of trauma for you and also for your unfaithful partner. So, how can you both recover and save the marriage?
What is considered to be cheating?
First of all, you need to set a clear definition of what is considered infidelity for you and your partner. In fact, most people would agree that having a sexual affair with someone else definitely counts as infidelity. But what about all the other situations? Would you consider sending flirty text messages as a sort of betrayal? Does your spouse share the same vision as you?
Being an infidel is not a single, clearly defined scenario, especially in the age of social media. Some women see that Facebook comments or hidden accounts can destroy their marriage. Some situations are vague. That is why you need to clearly define what is considered infidelity right from the start. You and your partner should agree on that. After all, relationships are like contracts. Infidelity is a severe breach of this contract.
How to heal from a cheating spouse?
All types of cheating are highly traumatic. They will rock the foundation of any relationship, no matter how strong. It does not matter how old you are, where you live across the globe, or what language you speak; the pain is real.
Studies have found that the betrayed partner usually develops symptoms similar to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). So, these symptoms can include panic attacks, irritability, and intrusive thoughts. You should never ignore how you feel or try to hide it. This way, you will never heal. Even if the marriage will not survive, you still need to work on your emotions. Otherwise, you would be putting your next relationship at risk.
Do not make any rash decisions
Discovering an affair is always emotionally intense. You might have the urge to react immediately in a strong way or get even with your cheating partner. Avoid this at all costs. Resist this urge. Do not make any rash decisions in this state of mind. You will probably regret them later on.
Instead, you need to try to calm yourself down. Try to grasp what has happened. Take all the time and space you need. The next step would be working on your healing process. This will guide you and help you make the right decision for you. Throughout this process, you will need professional help.
Seek help and support
Recovering from a cheating spouse is a long, hard process. You cannot go through it alone. That is why you need all the help and support you can get. From trusted friends and family members to professional marriage counselors, every individual can help. Try to avoid people who are biased or tend to judge. They will only make your healing path more difficult.
At this stage, taking a final decision to end the marriage might be too soon. You will need to heal first and understand what was behind the affair. That is why you need to visit a marriage counselor or family therapist alone or with your spouse.
Manage your triggers
Just like PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), cheating will create triggers for you. Most people will often experience flashbacks of discovering the infidelity. They will remember how it made them feel and the pain they suffered. The triggers could be anything from a movie scene to a picture or a smell. In all cases, you need to know how to deal with them.
You should never suffer in silence. Try to talk with your husband or therapist. Avoid getting aggressive during these conversations with your partner. You do not want to turn this into a fight. Instead, try to make them understand why you got triggered and how it made you feel.
Can the marriage survive?
There is no right answer. Only you and your partner can make this decision. However, you should give yourself time and space to heal first. Then, you can decide how you want to move forward with your life. Saving the marriage will not be easy. It might be the most challenging thing you both go through. However, it is NOT impossible if both partners are truly willing to work on it.
Nothing can harm your marriage like infidelity. It breaks the foundation of trust between you and your spouse. However, if both of you are committed to giving it a try, the marriage might survive. Many marriages become even stronger, after getting over the infidelity. Here is how:
Clear accountability
This will never work if the cheating spouse is not willing to take full responsibility for their actions. They should end the affair and stop any interaction with the other person. Otherwise, there will always be trust issues between both of you. Vague situations will always be a source of conflict that will make it impossible for the marriage to survive.
Professional help
Of course, close friends and family members can help. However, you will also need guidance and support from a trained marriage counselor. Reading self-help books written by professionals is not enough.
Try to find a licensed therapist with experience in dealing with infidelity. They will help you process the cheating and put things into perspective. As a couple, you might also find out what issues have contributed to the infidelity. All this will not just help you avoid divorce. It will also enable you to rebuild a stronger relationship.
Open communication
Getting over the unfaith does not mean pretending as if nothing has happened. On the contrary, holding emotions can make things worse. You will be stuck in resentment and anger. That is why you need to talk openly about your emotions. Let your partner know how the betrayal made you feel.
When talking about the affair, try to be honest. However, avoid turning this into a fight with your partner. You need to let your spouse understand how you feel, without making them get defensive.
Rebuild trust
Cheating will probably make you feel insecure about your marriage. Trusting your spouse again will not be easy. However, it is possible with a lot of hard work from both of you. On your side, you will need to work on forgiving your partner. This will help repair your broken trust.
Your spouse, on the other hand, needs to work on regaining your trust. They need to prove that the affair is over. Any sort of communication with the person they cheated with should stop completely.
Complete transparency
No one is asking you to trust your cheating spouse blindly. Your trust should be built on complete honesty and transparency. Your partner should allow you to check their phone, social media comments, or e-mails whenever you want to. These are like random “drug tests” that will provide proof your partner is being honest.
The cheating partner should not feel offended by these random checks. They are now on probation. This is the way to reassure you and win you back. It will show that they have nothing to hide.
Clear boundaries
One of the most essential steps of saving the marriage is setting boundaries that both of you will follow. This will help reduce any misunderstandings in the future. Both of you will avoid putting yourselves in vague situations that can lead to cheating.
You need to discuss all potential scenarios. For example, what are the boundaries of socializing with colleagues? What are the social media taboos when interacting with others? These rules can change regularly as you see fit. In all cases, they should help you avoid risky situations that might lead to infidelity.
Recovering from an unfaithful husband or even wife might not seem possible. After all, experiencing infidelity can be one of the hardest things to go through emotionally. You might not see any other way out of this situation but to get a divorce. However, saving the marriage and getting out of this even stronger is still a possibility. It just takes a lot of hard work from both partners. You will not be getting your old marriage back. Instead, you will work with your spouse on building a new one that works better for both of you.
Seek all the support and help you can get. Work with professionals that can help you heal and process the situation. After that, if you still feel the marriage is truly over, that is ok. Trying to move on from the relationship, without first working on healing yourself is not healthy. You will carry the burden of betrayal over to your next relationship.
Healing from a loved one who had an affair with you is one of the hardest journeys you will go through. However, in the end, you will come out of it even stronger.
